Revelation
by Deliverance Territory
Summary: Clark thinks about Lana leaving and comes to an unespected revelation. It's kind of an inner monologue... Clois. Set a day after Requimen.


**Author notes: **This is my first fanfic story. I hope you like it. I'm working on a multi-chapter story involving more Clois of course.

**Disclaimer: _I don't own Smallville or any of its characters._**

**Revelation**

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_Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved._ (William Jennings Bryan)

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[Barn, Afternoon] Clark is standing, brooding, looking at the sunset through the loft window.

_-It has been barely a day since Lana left. _He thinks, almost out loud.

Lana had been his first love, his fixation for the past decade or so. There is no doubt in his mind he would never love anyone like he'd loved her, or is it?

_-She left, and I feel this agonizing emptiness inside of me, inside my heart. _

Still thinking to himself.

_-How did this happen? Again... all over again!_

He tightens his cheeks and presses his eyelids showing frustration. This was not the first time she'd been gone.

_-When she left to Paris, I thought… I thought I was going to die…_

He pauses and sighs deeply. _-…but I didn't. _

He is confused. Hi is amazed that he finally admitted that statement.

_-I saw her at the airport, leaving, weaving goodbye. But not to me, to him, to Lex. Lex, my enemy. Lex, the man who betrayed my trust._

Now, he paces back and forth in front of the couch. _-… I thought I was going to die, but I didn't._

_-In time I was fine, at least fine enough. I was starting to move on… I had other things in my mind: my parents, my friends, Chloe and, of course, Lois. _

He has lightened a bit, enough to let see a tiny smirk.

_-I was just fine, but_ _Lana came back into my life, as fast as she left the first time. _

He frowns and a painful sigh escapes from his mouth.

_-And I… I was blinded, blinded by my own feelings… I took her back and, well, she left me again. This time unredeemed. _

His look is unreadable, there were countless emotions tied to those memories.

But one memory had snatched. ***** Right there, right on that loft, sitting on that same couch he's staring at so hard now. "_There are times when I think you don't know me at all. And others where I think you know me better than anyone_" He'd said to Lois. "_Well, that's what I'm here for, Smallville, one save at a time_." Lois responded: honestly, warm. *****

-_What did she mean by that? What does she knows? _He scoffs. -_Like I needed saving. _

He does not want to look at the couch any longer. He only wants to get back to his inner monologue. He wants to remember her, to remember Lana the way she was. But the more he remembers her the more he dives into his compunction.

_-She faked her dead, and stayed away. Away from me._ He laments.

-_In China! Plus, she only returned because he asked her to._ _Lex, my enemy._

This time he was clearly angry. He feels a rush of blood rising to his face as if the room temperature had suddenly elevated.

-_Lex, the man she married afterwards. _

His expression goes back to frustration, back to pain, but his face is still in a shade of red.

-_I didn't die then either._

He looks aggravated, as if he could not decide what to think about this, about her.

_-Should I be angry? Should I miss her? _

His mind is now flooded with bittersweet memories. Good moments, bad moments, and everything in between.

-_For how long I've felt this loneliness, this emptiness?_

He feels giddy and reaches back to the window for some air. He leans on the frame and stares again to the sky. But this time, it was dark already, no clouds, no moon, no stars… there is only darkness in the atmosphere.

_-She knew who I was. She knew why I kept it from her. _

He always has protected the ones that he cared about, the ones that he loved, and her included.

-_But I was still feeling alone. Rejected. _

He suffers as if a dagger had pierced his heart.

-_And then, she just left again… I did everything I could to save her, but she didn't want to be saved by me. She wanted to save herself. Wasn't I good enough for her? _

He shocks his head, almost in disbelief.

_-Am I strong enough for this? _

Another memory had surfaced. ***** "_You're amazing, Smallville. You always look for the best in people, even when they walk all over you._" ***** He remembers Lois acknowledging his goodness.

He smiles modestly. _-I always do that, don't I? But is it worth it? _

His smile widened a little more thinking about Lois' words. -_Sometimes it just is._

_-At least, I knew she loved me. Isn't that what she said? _

His eyes are now lost, lost in the memory of Lana's message. ****** _"I love you, Clark... more than you will ever know. I'm so sorry." _*****

His heart is plainly broken. _-But why? Why did you leave?_ He inquired as if he could talk to her back in that moment.

Then, he submerges back into his memory. *****_"We thought that we were meant to be together, Clark. But the truth is we were fooling ourselves."_*****

He snaps out of his mind for a moment and speaks out loud. -_Is that why? Does she really mean it? _

At this moment, he is puzzled… upset… wounded.

_-I needed to move on. I needed to move forward. There might be something good for me in this world. There should be. _

He remembers thinking this after he finished the terrible image on the TV.

_-There are people here that love me, that care about me. I still have my mother, my friends, Chloe and, of course, Lois. _

Lois had been present during last Lana's message. He remembers how she held him, comforted him: sincerely.

-_There were no agendas in her warmth that day. She genuinely felt my pain and eased it. Well, least she tried. _

He looks surprised as he recognizes he's talking about Lois. Thinking about Lois on that particular moment. Lois, easing his pain. Lois, no other.

_-But Lana had returned. Again. Without warning, when I was starting to move on… _

He stops. He thinks about all the ways he had moved forward since Lana was gone.

_-I've got a new job at the Daily Planet. I've embraced my double identity, well sort of. I'm the Red Blue Blur. I've got new friends and new motives to move on. I'm helping people. I'm almost not missing her, almost. Lana… I thought I was blinded by her. But it was all on me. I didn't see anything but her. There are so many good things worth fighting for in this world. Is Lana worth it? Is this?_

His look soothes a bit, and instead of looking frustrated, he appears resolved, determined.

_-I was starting to move on… _He continues with his earlier thought. -_Fixation is not love. Love is something more. _

He almost couldn't believe he actually stated that.

-_I was starting to move on… move to something real. More real to me that all my memories with Lana._ _Something… or maybe… someone… Someone who accepts me for who I am, even without knowing. _

His eyes glaze a little.

-_Someone who offers me friendship, loyalty, support, companionship. Taking me where I feel accepted. There is a special connection…hmmm… _

He tries to go back and denied his thought for a moment, but he couldn't. _-Connection? _

Another memory sucked in. ***** _In this unique moment, words are overrated. There is only you and me. You and me, and this excruciating urge for closeness. Your eyes, your smile… the touch of your hand over my chest. I just needed to be close to you…_*****

He wonders why he could not erase that moment from his mind.

_-Maybe connection. Maybe affection. Maybe love?_ He shocks his head negating this thought.

_-I sure as hell don't know what love feels like then. Is it the familiar feeling I get with Lana? Or is it the urging need I get to be close to Lois?_

-_Or maybe, I just remember because, after all, Lana had returned at that very moment. And this time she was not going anywhere. Or so I though._

He sits on the floor and looks at a picture of Lana he had framed over the stand. _–She's my equal now. So, does she really need me? How long it'll take until she takes off again? I know sooner or later she will?_

_-Oh yeah, I forgot… She already left. _

Again, memories flooded his brain. *****_ "Where I am now, for the first time it feels right. Clark, I know neither of us could say it... But maybe Clark Kent and Lana Lang just weren't meant to end up together." _***** He could not fight back those words, even if he wanted to.

_-Was I really that blind? That clueless? She knew it all along… _He smiles. _And so did I... _

He puts back the picture and stands up again. He seems resolute, convinced.

_-I've made my choice. I'll not live in the past any longer. I can't hang on to something I'm not sure I had in the first place. I need to move on…_ He hesitates.

_-I think I already have. When did this happen? When? I know no date or time. I'm only sure of this knot in my stomach, right now. Only on the thought of her name… a name with a face… with a story… with a whole new experience for me: Lois._

He is still astounded on his insight. _-All this years, all this time… I just needed to open my eyes. _

All the sudden, he feels a shiver down his spine. He remembers how Lois had said she loved her. _-Of course she denied it, she's Lois. She always is._ He laughs softly, pleased, happy.

He has become to the utter revelation: _-I'm in love with Lois Lane. _


End file.
